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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23231407">Carving out a person</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_et_amo/pseuds/Ode_et_amo'>Ode_et_amo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead Poets Society (1989)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Multi, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Todd and Neil have a daughter in this one, femMeeks, femTodd, things are complicated, transgender/transfluid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:33:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,315</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23231407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_et_amo/pseuds/Ode_et_amo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd told her the story of the quiet girl who fell in love with the boy, who glowed as if divine light shone right through him. Todd told her of English<br/>lessons that resembled nothing else, of the Dead Poet’s Society. Of late nights running through the woods and a cave in which words flowed like honey. Where dreams were made reality.<br/>“You used to be that girl, right?” Emily asked once Todd had finished their story. “Why no longer?”<br/>Her small hand rested upon Todd’s bound chest.<br/>“I guess I was never good at it” </p><p>Todd lives a quiet but happy life with their daughter Emily and Charlie in their appartment in New York, when Neil Perry suddenly comes back into their lives after almost seven years of absence. Things suddenly becomes complicated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I guess God really thought there should have been girls at Welton.<br/>For reasons (the entire point of the plot) Todd is transgender/transfluid but the time being what it was, they can't always be open with it.</p><p>Neil is alive and was sent to military boarding school by his father, and then was sent to Harvard.<br/>This story picks up six to seven years after Mr. Perry pulls Neil from the theater.<br/>The setting's supposed to be somewhere in the mid 60's</p><p>This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction so constructive criticism is much appreciated.</p><p>Title inspired by "She used to be mine" - Sara Bareilles</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Todd wasn’t sure that their parents ever wanted a daughter, or maybe they did, just not one like Todd. Their parents probably wanted a female version of Jeffery, someone charming and pretty who had no trouble getting friends or good grades, albeit always knowing her place. Todd could never be that girl.</p><p>Another lock of hair fell into the bathroom sink and Todd quickly measured out the next lock to go, bearing the scissors down on the light brown strands. After another scrutinizing look from pale blue eyes through the mirror Todd felt somewhat satisfied with the result. A barber could have done it better, but it was difficult finding someone who wanted to cut them this short. It was a boyish-cut as Charlie had exclaimed ones, said it had finally made them look like a Todd. Todd liked the idea of that.</p><p>They made sure to clean up properly after them, then proceeded to walk out into the living room where Charlie sat propped up on the sofa. It was an ugly thing, mismatched after someone, who must have been colorblind, had tried to repair it with big patches of flower-patterned fabric. It was the kind of thing Todd’s mother would have sneered at. So when Todd saw an old man attempting to throw it away, they had haggled ruthlessly for it. Their mother would of course never come visit. <br/>
<br/>
Charlie sat, legs stretched out over the mismatched fabric, reading important looking papers. He refused to wear his reading glasses which led him to a headache-inducing squint, that would have been hilarious hadn’t he complained so much about it. If only he had actually bothered wearing his glasses, not only would his health fare better but also one of Meeks inside jokes. She used to say that Charlie was like Superman, boring accountant in the day-time and free-spirited bohemian in the evenings. He’d gotten the job through some obscure contacts of his father and only kept it in order to be able to contribute to rent and also fund for his non-existing jazz-career.</p><p>“Oh, you’ve cut your hair again!” Charlie exclaimed once he saw Todd in the doorway.</p><p>“Yeah, it was getting long”</p><p><br/>
Todd let a hand card through the short hair, it was almost as short as Charlie’s, only Todd had decided to keep some of their bangs slightly longer.  </p><p><br/>
“Ah, thought you were starting to look like a hippie”</p><p>"Very funny, Charlie. Bet that charm always wins them over” Todd said, voice deadpan but a small smile was spreading.</p><p>“On the subject of charming!” Charlie said sitting up properly. “Knoxious called earlier”</p><p><br/>
Todd couldn’t help but laugh at that. Charlie always sounded so existed when talking about their friends, probably because they were all living in Boston and they rarely saw them.</p><p><br/>
“What did he want?” Todd asked.</p><p>“He has just broken up with Chris 2.0, what was her name again?”</p><p>“Maria” Todd answered, shaking their head.</p><p>“Oh, yeah right” Charlie got a considering look on his face. “I think he’s developed a type”</p><p>“What? Independent women who don’t really need him?”</p><p>Charlie burst into laughter. “I was going to say blondes. Anyway I told him we could come up this weekend. Distract him”</p><p>It was a veiled question. Todd simply nodded. “Yeah, sounds good”</p><p><br/>
Todd went out in the hallway, quickly wrapping themselves up in outerwear and pulling on their shoes. Charlie’s voice, followed by Charlie, came after them, leaning in the doorpost. He had a considering look to him, brow furrowed in mild concern.</p><p><br/>
“You going somewhere?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m picking Emily up”</p><p>“Thought she was going to sleep over” Charlie said, eyebrows knit together.</p><p>“Yeah, no”</p><p><br/>
Todd shook their head, bang flying into their eyes. Charlie’s face became sympatric and smooth in a way that was almost sickening. They didn't like the look of it at all. Todd gave up a deep sigh.</p><p><br/>
“I know, I know…” Todd said, but was quickly spoken over.</p><p><br/>
“You know you have to let her go eventually, or you will just end up like…”</p><p>
  <em><br/>
Neil’s dad. </em>
</p><p><br/>
“I know, I just…”</p><p><br/>
The panic was slowly spreading. It was the same anxiety that overcame Todd when they were still in school, still at Hellton. Even leaving Emily at school or having her going home with friends, felt too much like losing her. Todd knew they were being stupid, but they had already lost so much and couldn’t bear the thought of losing her too. She was the sun Todd’s world circled around. And the nightmares didn't help either. The nights were Todd woke up crying from images of hands prying their daughter from their grasp.</p><p>Charlie must have seen the panic and took pity on Todd. In the end he let them go without a fight.</p><p><br/>
“Take a jacket, it might be cold” he said handing his own brown leatherjacket over and Todd accepted it gratefully.</p><p><br/>
Neither Todd nor Charlie were particularly good at speaking about their feelings, especially not with each other, but at the very least they knew how to express some token of kindness. </p><p> </p><p>_ _ _ </p><p> </p><p>The three of them were packed into Charlie’s blue Ford. It had been the last gift from his parents that he had accepted. The drive from New York to Boston took almost four hours and it was bad enough being stuck with Charlie’s bad singing for that long, the energetic six your old girl in the backseat didn’t make the journey smoother.</p><p><br/>
“Are we there yet?”</p><p>“No, darling, not yet” Todd said, having already lost the count of how many times they’d had to repeat themselves. Todd loved his daughter, endlessly, but she was her father’s daughter; in constant need of action and attention. Todd’s own quiet demeanor most have bounced right off of her.  </p><p><br/>
“But soon” said Charlie, never losing his humor, guiding them through the traffic with a loose grasp on the steering wheel. “Count cars!”</p><p>“But daaad…”</p><p><br/>
The word came with such certainty that it shocked them both. Charlie briefly glanced at Todd, whose hands had stilled abruptly from the knitting (which they had picked up to hide the nervous tremble of their hands). Todd met Charlie’s gaze, feeling a sting of pity for the apologetic look that flickered in Charlie’s eyes.</p><p><br/>
“Please, don’t call me dad” said Charlie, and Todd could almost sense the hurt rolling off of him, for Todd felt it so deeply themself. Sometimes the thought came unbidden, it would have all been so much easier if only that had been true, if Charlie had actually been her dad. Todd had imagined a couple too many times. If those warm eyes were just a shade darker, the nose sharper and the light burning within her had resembled a wildfire instead of that burning sun. A daydream that hinged on Todd loving Charlie and Charlie properly settling down. Neither would ever happen.</p><p><br/>
“Why not?”</p><p><br/>
She had always been inquisitive. Keating would have loved her, would have been proud of the outspoken girl Todd, with some help from the other poets, had managed to raise.</p><p><br/>
“Because…” started Charlie, once more looking at Todd, gaze briefly darting back to the road, making sure they wouldn’t hit something.</p><p><br/>
“Because Charlie is your uncle” Todd answered quickly, deflecting the truth once more.</p><p><br/>
“But Annie has a mom and a dad, and they all live together” Emily said, looking all important, then her brow furrowed. “On the other hand she <em>has </em>a little brother”</p><p><br/>
“Yikes!” said Charlie and laughter quickly broke out.</p><p><br/>
The subject of fatherhood soon forgotten.</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Knox met them in the carpark. He looked a little rugged round the edges but on the whole no worse for wear. His face quickly broke out into a wide smile as Emily threw herself into his arms. Knox lifted her up and spun her around with natural ease. The poets had all been playing such an important part in her upbringing. They were practically the only family she had left.</p><p>Knox put her back down in order to envelop Todd in a tight hug. This comfortable intimacy between them had took a long time building. All of the poets coming from families were expressing emotions was unheard of exceptions and in general seen as something of a weakness.</p><p><br/>
“How are you doing?” Todd asked.</p><p><br/>
“Nah, I’m fine” Knox said, easy smile resting on his lips. “And you? That big city eating away at you?”</p><p><br/>
No one had imagined how easy Todd would take to a place like New York, but they managed to carve a place for themselves, working as an editor on a big newspaper, writing poetry late in the evenings and simply building a life for Emily.</p><p><br/>
“It’s alright. Think Charlie’s faring worse. He’s been having a bad cough so he hasn’t been able to play the sax for a while” Todd said, conspiratorial glint in their eyes. “It’s been driving me crazy”</p><p><br/>
Knox laughter lured Charlie out of the trunk were he had been lifting out there packing. He turned around, sunglasses obscuring his eyes, but smile wide.</p><p><br/>
“Whatever Todd said, don’t trust it Knoxious, it’s all lies!”</p><p><br/>
“Come here!” Knox said and enveloped Charlie in a brief hug, then helped him carry the bags. Todd tried to help as well but their efforts were waved away. Instead they focused on where Emily was already leading the way to Knox apartment.</p><p><br/>
“So any gossip?” asked Charlie and Todd was certain that somewhere deep down, Charlie hid an old little lady who couldn’t get her nose into other people’s business fast enough.</p><p><br/>
Knox only laughed, then: “Meeks and Pitts”</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, what about them?” asked Charlie, bursting from curiosity.</p><p><br/>
“They’ve started dating”</p><p><br/>
“No way!” Charlie exclaimed, delighted.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, that’s lovely” Todd contributed.</p><p><br/>
Stevie and Gerard had been mistaken for an item for ages now, not to talk about their rather obvious crushes on each other. Gerard suffering the worst since Stevie for a short while had crushed on Charlie in their last year at Welton.  </p><p><br/>
“I didn’t think Pittsie had the guts” Charlie said.</p><p><br/>
“He didn’t. It was all Meeks. She had planned it for over a month, asking him out that is” Knox explained.</p><p><br/>
Todd couldn’t help but laugh at the image. They could just picture Meeks bent over a drawing board, a blue plan laid out in front of her as she made slight alterations. Adding pros and cons to a list, all the while making complicated calculations of the benefits of dating Pitts. </p><p><br/>
“They’re disgustingly happy” Knox said after a while, something longingly taking over his eyes.</p><p><br/>
They reached the apartment building, Knox handing over his keys to Emily so she could rush ahead. Todd and Charlie were about to proceed after her but Knox held them back. He looked bothered by something.</p><p><br/>
“You know, I…”</p><p><br/>
“What is it, Knoxious?” Charlie asked, immediately looking concerned.</p><p><br/>
Todd felt and uncomfortable clench somewhere in the chest area. Knox had seemed fine considering the break up, but you never know this kind of things. Heartbreaks and sadness lies so much deeper. He probably just hadn’t wanted to show it in front of Emily.</p><p><br/>
“I saw Neil the other day. Actually yesterday”</p><p><br/>
Knox said the words like recounting a meal, Todd thought it unfair when it felt like their own heart would beat its way out of their ribcage when hearing it.  Their stomach felt suddenly upset.</p><p><br/>
“How did he seem?” asked Charlie, no less shocked, but handling it better.</p><p><br/>
Todd had always been a package of frayed nerve ends, while Charlie had proved time and again a surprising resilience in the face of adversity. Particularly in the face of the falling out with Neil.</p><p><br/>
Knox mulled the words over, thinking for a while and then settled for: “Good, he seemed really good actually”</p><p><br/>
“Oh” said Todd. “That’s… that’s good.”</p><p><br/>
“Mum!” Emily shouted. “Are you guys coming?!”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>They decided to take a walk through campus before dinner. It was spring and the days grew ever longer and warmer and it felt almost irresponsible to not take advantage of it. Todd had managed to convince</p><p>Emily to actually wear her jacket, though she wasn’t happy about it. It was an imitation of something you’d see in the army which Charlie had brought home one day. Emily had loved it then, but after one of her friends had gotten a pink raincoat in birthday present she refused to wear it. Already feeling rebellious she once more brought up the subject of her parentage.</p><p><br/>
“But why can’t I call Uncle Charlie dad, he is like a dad to me!”</p><p><br/>
Todd could see the brief moment of pride blooming out over Charlie’s face before it quickly fell, and Todd felt a pang of guilt for it. Knox looked surprised between the two of them, an unpleasant quirk of his mouth as if he felt left out of something. Todd soldiered on.  </p><p><br/>
“I know, but he’s still the best uncle in the world and he’ll always love you, even if he isn’t your dad”</p><p><br/>
“Then who is my real dad?”</p><p><br/>
How had this ever become an issue? Todd thought. It felt like they were failing somehow, like Todd was incapable of being the parent Emily needed them to be. Strong and loving and unshakable. Todd’s inner calm and outward stability had all belonged to other people. Charlie, Knox, Meeks and Pitts. And Neil. For a while, everything Todd was belonged to Neil.</p><p><br/>
“It’s complicated”</p><p><br/>
“You always say that!” Emily shouted, and before anyone really could react she was sprinting away from them.</p><p><br/>
Surprisingly fast.</p><p><br/>
Todd began jogging after, but an old ache in their leg stopped them short. Todd cursed themselves for not having been gentle enough. Luckily Knox, with his insanely long legs only rivaled by</p><p>Pitts, took up the chase. Charlie picked up his pace, while Todd ended up trailing after them. But the girl was soon out of sight, having disappeared between the buildings of the university.</p><p><br/>
“She’s gone!” Knox said, having turned back around.</p><p><br/>
“What do you mean she’s gone?!” Charlie asked.</p><p><br/>
“She disappeared” Knox said, out of breath. “Maybe she ran into one of the buildings”</p><p><br/>
Todd couldn’t breathe. It was all the nightmares realized. They tried to calm themself, these things happen, children run away, doesn’t mean any harm will befall them, doesn’t mean they won’t find her. Except all Todd could see was an older couple, resembling themself a little too much, picking her up and carrying away. Off to Vermont, to another private school and yet another loveless childhood. </p><p><br/>
“Let’s split up then” Charlie decided, turning back to Todd. “It’s going to be alright, she can’t have gone that far. We <em>will </em>find her”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Neil rounded a corner as a little girl came barreling straight into his legs. With a shout she fell backwards down on the tiled floor. Neil quickly sank down in a crouch to assess the potential damage. Feeling the weight of a non-existing white coat fall upon his shoulders.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, are you alright?” he said, making his voice soft and non-threatening.</p><p><br/>
The little girl sat flat on her bottom, looking up at him with big eyes. They were a warm shade of brown, her hair a light caramel and that nose, it was more than familiar. Neil had worshipped it once, and the chin as well. But could it really be?</p><p>He shook his head, pushing his own thoughts and feelings aside, going into a put upon professional mode. He brought a finger up and asked the little girl to follow it with her eyes.</p><p><br/>
“Why?” she asked, curious if anything.</p><p><br/>
“To check so you didn’t get a concussion”</p><p><br/>
It was unlikely but Neil needed something to distract himself with. The girl followed the motion with ease. Her curious eyes glinting in the light with a mischief he once knew he had harbored himself. On a stage, wearing a crown of thorns.</p><p><br/>
“Are you a doctor?” the girl asked.</p><p><br/>
“Almost” Neil answered. “Where are your parents?”</p><p><br/>
“Mama was being stupid” the girl said, folding her arms in front of her.</p><p><br/>
The lightness of her eyes conflicting into something surly he also recognized from a past not too long ago, yet ages away.</p><p><br/>
Neil helped her up on her feet. Her hand small in his.</p><p><br/>
“Parents are sometimes, but I’m sure your mama’s worried about you. How about we go see if we can find her?”</p><p><br/>
The girl sighed heavily, clearly disappointed with him, yet appeasing to the words of an authoritative adult. “Okay”</p><p><br/>
They began walking back the same way she had come. Curiosity seized Neil in the end so he asked for her name.</p><p><br/>
“I can’t say” the girl answered. “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers, actually”</p><p><br/>
“Oh?” Neil was dumbfounded. “But you’ve talked to me, right?”</p><p><br/>
“You’re a doctor” she answered matter of fact.</p><p><br/>
Seemed his father hadn’t been completely wrong in thinking a doctor was the most respectable thing Neil could become. Apparently he was respectable enough that a little girl who promised her mother not to speak to strangers still felt safe enough to do so. That or she just didn't listen to adult's advice.</p><p><br/>
“We’re here to visit my uncle actually” the girl continued in an air of importance.  </p><p><br/>
“Aha” Neil said amused.</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, he goes to school here. He’s a lawyer”</p><p><br/>
“Ah, lawyer you say?”</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, he doesn’t like it, but his father wants him to become one. I think he just wants to draw, he’s good at it, I think”</p><p><br/>
Neil understood the feeling. “So what’s his name then, maybe I know him?”</p><p><br/>
The girl gave him a look as if someone like him couldn’t possibly know someone like her uncle. Neil was about to throw up his hands in surrender when she said: “Knox”</p><p><em>Knox. </em>It was impossible, yet the unconsciously he had already pieced the puzzle together. It was there beneath his nose, he just refused to see it.</p><p><br/>
“He’s broken up with his girlfriend” she informed, just in case this was important information. If it really was Knox, lover-boy Knox Overstreet, it probably was.</p><p><br/>
They reached the entrance and were soon stepping out in the courtyard. Standing on the spring green patch of grass in the very center, Neil thought he saw a familiar figure. Wildly gesturing, talking with obvious urgency. All traces of a quiet personality had vanished, replaced by heartbreaking worry.</p><p><br/>
“Mum!” shouted the girl and the person quickly turned to the sound as if by pure instinct.</p><p><br/>
It was Todd, must have been. Neil couldn’t stay. Once the girl had begun running towards Todd, Neil made his escape before Todd could notice him lurking in the shadows.</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>“Emily!” Todd screamed</p><p><br/>
Emily was already running towards them. Todd sank to the ground, not caring about the wetness of the grass seeping into their beige trousers, pulling Emily firmly into their arms.</p><p><br/>
“Don’t you ever do that again!”</p><p><br/>
“But I’m alright, I met a doctor, he helped me back” Emily said.</p><p><br/>
Todd lifted their gaze over her head, but there was no one lingering around. Todd shook their head and looked down at Emily again. Met the brown eyes that always left Todd a little breathless with a complicated mixture of grief and love. Streaking careful fingers over her face to reassure themself she was alright.</p><p><br/>
“I wasn’t even gone that long” protested Emily, freeing herself from the tight hold.</p><p><br/>
At the same time Knox came running over. “There you are! Charlie went to the reception, we might want to stop him before…”</p><p><br/>
A voice rang out over the speaker system. It was clear and unfairly bright considering the situation. Todd and Knox both groaned, while Emily began laughing once she recognized the playful cadence of Charlie.</p><p><br/>
“Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention. My good friend, Todd Anderson…”</p><p><br/>
Todd looked pleadingly at Knox, who gave up a heavy sigh. “I’ll go stop him”</p><p><br/>
“…has misplaced a child. A child has been misplaced”</p><p><br/>
Todd tuned Charlie out and turned to Emily, who was smiling wide. She had always been a little ray of sunshine, never having known the hardships of life, and if Todd had a say in it, never would.</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Todd woke slowly, the bed beside them empty. They heard voices from the kitchen, and slowly pulled themselves from the last drags of sleep. The floor was cold as Todd shuffled over to the bedroom door.</p><p>Opening it slightly they could see Charlie bent over the kitchen island, a cup of coffee in hand, eyes firmly glued to the back of Knox’s neck as he stood by the stove.</p><p><br/>
“Are those pancakes?” Todd smiled, sensing the sweet smell.</p><p><br/>
“Good morning, loveliest! Wondered when you would show yourself” Charlie said, giving a blinding smile. He always seemed happier in Knox’s company. Todd smiled wider.</p><p><br/>
“Where’s my daughter?”</p><p><br/>
“Oh, in the bathroom” Knox answered, flipping another pancake. “She’s been in there awhile. Think she’s discovered her own reflection.”</p><p><br/>
“It’s gonna go downhill from here, I tell you” Charlie joked. “Soon we’ll have to fend off a ton of boys! Luckily we have Knox and his muscles at our dispense”</p><p><br/>
What little of Knox’s face was visible, blushed a pale shade of pink. Todd still wacked Charlie in the back of the head as they passed on the way to the bathroom.</p><p><br/>
The door stood open. Todd peered inside only to see Emily stood on the toilet, watching herself in the mirror with a look of wonder and sharp intent.</p><p><br/>
“What are you doing?” Todd wondered.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, I’m just looking at my eye color”</p><p><br/>
“Uh huh” Todd said. “Why would that be?”</p><p><br/>
“The doctor I ran into yesterday had the same eyes as me. Exactly the same”</p><p><br/>
“That’s… that’s…”</p><p><br/>
A coincidence? A curious little coincidence or a fated joke?</p><p><br/>
“Well, Knox is making pancakes, and if we don’t grab some now, Charlie will have eaten all of them”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Once evening rolled around, they had decided to meet Meeks and Pitts at a restaurant some way from campus. They could see them as they approached. Stevie in a red dress and a light coat, hand in hand with a beaming Gerard, who probably only needed Meeks to feel warm. Todd blushed from happiness. Charlie, being much more vocal, didn’t spare them his thoughts.</p><p><br/>
“Finally! Took you long enough, how’s the sex?”</p><p><br/>
Todd was on the verse of smacking him in the shoulder, but Knox beat them to it.</p><p><br/>
“Charlie, children!” Knox bit out, imitating the prim housewives he’d grown up around, glancing down at Emily who was too occupied with greeting Meeks.</p><p><br/>
“Hi there, how have you been?” Stevie asked and Emily began chattering immediately, telling her all about school and friends. She only interrupted herself to ask Gerard to pick her up on his shoulder. From her high perch she held court, like she was born to be in the spotlight. Glowing in the undivided attention being given her. Todd met Charlie’s gaze and they both smiled.</p><p><br/>
They went inside. Meeks having made the reservation, quickly took the lead and the other’s followed. Pitts had to duck somewhat so that Emily didn’t hit her head in the doorpost. They were guided to a table in the back, secluded from most of the rest of the restaurant. Emily quickly crawled up on the sofa, once Pitts had sat her down, and Todd and Charlie were quick to flank her.</p><p><br/>
“No!” Emily protested. “I want Stevie to sit with me”</p><p><br/>
Charlie met Todd’s gaze over her head, grunted slightly and quickly slid out so Meeks could take his place. Pitts and Knox were laughing as they sat down opposite. It was a tight fit but Charlie pressed in close to Knox, while starting up a conversation with Meeks about her successful plan of wooing Pitts. Gerard blushed fiercely.</p><p>A waitress came by and took their orders and once food arrived they were past the catching up and deep in conversation. Laughter emitting from the them alongside some groans at some of Charlie’s wilder stories.</p><p><br/>
“How do you stand living with him?” Meeks whispered behind Emily’s back, smile lighting up her freckled face. Her glasses framing the excitement in her eyes.</p><p><br/>
Todd smiled ruefully. “It isn’t too bad”</p><p><br/>
“I need to go to the toilet” Emily said suddenly.</p><p><br/>
“Okay, I’ll come with you” Todd said and glided out of their seats.</p><p><br/>
Meeks pointed out the direction. Todd and Emily went back past the entrance.</p><p> </p><p>Once Emily was done, Todd had no way of stopping her as she ran back out into the restaurant.</p><p><br/>
“Emily wait!”</p><p><br/>
Todd exited the toilet and was stopped short. A young couple had entered the restaurant and Emily had barreled straight into them all the while shouting <em>Mr. Doctor </em>in a gleeful tone. Todd’s chest constricted.</p><p>Their pulse picked up and for a moment, Todd was sure they would die from the way their heart was going.</p><p><br/>
It was Neil. It was Neil and a beautiful woman, with blonde locks cascading down her back, hanging off his arm.</p><p><br/>
“Mum! This is the doctor!” Emily shouted, patrons staring angrily between her and Todd.</p><p><br/>
Neil lifted his gaze, hitting Todd square in the chest. His smile quickly faded. Resignation took over and Neil’s gaze flickered awkwardly between Todd and the woman beside her.</p><p>Todd unfroze with the uncertain action and quickly made their way over to Emily, whispering into her hair.</p><p><br/>
“Why don’t you go and see if Charlie has ordered any ice-cream for you?”</p><p><br/>
At first she looked displeased over the idea of being pulled from the conversation, but the promise of ice-cream would always be a bigger pull and she swiftly made her way to their table.</p><p>Neil looked after her. Todd looked to the woman at Neil’s side. The woman looked after a waiter to seat them.  Neil’s gaze slowly turned, once Emily had disappeared from sight.</p><p><br/>
“How have you been?” he asked tentatively.</p><p><br/>
Todd couldn’t do this. Smile and pretend everything was alright.</p><p><br/>
“We’re great!” Todd said, taking small satisfaction in the hurt passing over Neil’s face before the guilt became overwhelming and they had to escape outside.</p><p> </p><p>The air hitting Todd’s face stilled the nausea that had threatened to rise. Todd took some steps from the entrance and sank down with their back against the wall.</p><p><em>Deep breaths. </em><em>Why?</em> </p><p>Why did Neil have to come back into their lives when Todd had finally learned to live without him? Todd couldn’t breathe. Their heart was beating far too fast. They were having an attack. It had been so long that</p><p>Todd almost didn’t recognize the signs, except they did and the fear was consuming them <em>No, no, no, this can’t happen! Not now. </em>Todd dug their fingernails into the palm of their hand. Needed something to anchor them back to reality, before they grew too lightheaded.</p><p><br/>
The door jingled, someone was stepping out. Todd hoped it would be Charlie, coming to look for them after Emily had returned alone. They had no such luck. Neil cast a long shadow, reaching Todd’s feet.</p><p><br/>
“I-“ began Neil, but was quickly silenced by Todd’s scathing look.</p><p><br/>
Todd felt tears gathering, but promised themselves they would not cry in front of Neil Perry. Never again. But Neil wasn’t someone you shook, Todd should have known that. He was insistent, like a plague.</p><p><br/>
“So Emily huh?” Neil said slowly.</p><p><br/>
Todd mumbled in affirmation.</p><p><br/>
“What’s her full name?”</p><p><br/>
There was something about him which looked so hopeful yet brittle. It was enough for Todd to take mercy on him. In a raspy voice they didn’t quite recognize as their own, Todd answered:</p><p><br/>
“Emily Hermia Anderson”</p><p><br/>
“Hermia as in…?”</p><p><br/>
“A midsummer night’s dream, yes” Todd nodded. “And Emily from…”</p><p><br/>
“Dickinson, I figured” said Neil, a small smile grazing his lips.</p><p><br/>
They were quiet. Then Neil took a sharp breath in as if readying himself to speak. Todd couldn’t let him. Didn’t want to hear whatever words he had for Todd. Whatever excuses. Yet, the need to know…</p><p><br/>
“Why didn’t you write? I wrote you letters, so many letters, why didn’t you reply?”</p><p><br/>
Neil looked stricken, hurt blooming over his features, making his handsome face seem ghostlike.</p><p><br/>
“I never received them. My dad made sure I didn’t”</p><p><br/>
Todd nodded at first, but then realized they weren’t the quiet, skittish kid they had once been, who didn't have the guts to question anyone. It was ugly, but Todd was angry, so, so angry.</p><p><br/>
“He isn’t here now, is he?”</p><p><br/>
“I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me.” Neil said. “Years of radio silence and then all of a sudden… I just didn’t think you’d still want me”</p><p><br/>
The words shook Todd to the core. They would always want Neil. That was the problem, the curse Todd could never wish to escape.</p><p><br/>
“I’ve longed for you” Todd said, voice broken, tears clogging up their throat.</p><p><br/>
Todd stood back up, tried thinking of more words they needed to say but couldn’t. Instead they went to walk back inside but Neil’s hand reached out, snake like, grasping a firm grip of Todd’s upper arm. Todd whirled around, all the years of suppressed anger and grief boiling up to the surface.</p><p><br/>
“Why didn’t you fight for us? Why didn’t you fight for her?!”</p><p><br/>
Neil let go as if scorched and Todd didn’t wait around for an answer, fleeing back inside past the table were the blonde woman was seated and back to the poets’ table.</p><p> </p><p>Emily was happily munching away at an oversized bowl of ice-cream, but Todd didn’t have the heart to reprimand her for ordering it. Had promised themselves that she would never feel like she wasn’t deserving of things she wanted. Todd scooted in beside her, hiding their face in her hair. Meeks piped up from the other side of Emily.</p><p><br/>
“I saw Neil earlier, in…” she quieted once she caught sight of Todd’s tear-stricken face. “Oh”</p><p><br/>
Charlie watched them silently, then reached his hand over the table and enclosed Todd’s with his own. His thumb already brushing soothing patterns into their skin.</p><p><br/>
“You want to leave?”</p><p><br/>
Todd considered nodding, but Emily wasn’t yet finished so they shook their head. Charlie didn’t let go. Both Meeks and Pitts wore equal looks of concern as they observed them. In the end it was Knox social awkwardness that diffused the tension.</p><p><br/>
“So, I still got some chocolate left since me and Maria… It’s yours if you want it”</p><p><br/>
Todd smiled gratefully at the same time that Emily piped up: “Chocolate?”</p><p><br/>
“Yes, we can share” Todd said hugging her closer. “Now eat up”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Leaving the restaurant was easier than Todd thought it would be. Neither Neil nor his date were anywhere in sight.</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Breakfast at Knoxs’ turned out to be just as rowdy as it usually was at home, but that was probably more due to Charlie than anything. Todd had already had to intervene and stop one food-fight between him and Emily, and two between him and Knox. Being a parent to a child was one thing but to an adult… Charlie should be lucky that Todd loved him.</p><p>Todd made sure to call dibs on the newspaper, disappearing into a little bubble existing of weather, politics and culture. Emily was dutifully eating the sandwich Knox had made her, albeit a little sullen that she couldn’t have pancakes today as well. Charlie and Knox were deep in an argument Todd had no decent chance of ever understanding. Suddenly a knock fell on the door. Knox stood in a swift movement that left</p><p>Charlie staring after him. Todd ducked their amused smile behind the pages.</p><p>They could hear the front door opening, but before the person on the other side managed to get out a greeting Knox had shut the door in their face. The echo of it resounded through the apartment and Charlie gave Todd a curious look. Then Knox was back in the kitchen, an ashen sheen to his face.</p><p><br/>
“Guys, we have a problem” he said between clenched teeth and his eyes strayed between Todd and Emily.</p><p><br/>
Todd felt themselves go cold. Charlie caught on just as fast.</p><p><br/>
“Does this problem rhyme with Meal Cherry?”</p><p><br/>
“…Yeah”</p><p><br/>
“Meal Cherry?” Emily said, setting her glass of milk back down on the table. “What kind of name is that?”</p><p><br/>
Todd smiled briefly, but the panic was there, ever present. Charlie looked sympathetic when he said: “Do you want me to talk to him?”</p><p><br/>
Todd considered it, but quickly realized it wasn’t much of an option. “No, I- I have to do it, sooner or later”</p><p><br/>
“You want me to come as moral support?” he asked then, tone jokingly but his eyes serious.</p><p><br/>
Todd laughed, could just picture how well that would go down. “No, you eat your breakfast”</p><p><br/>
Knox moved out of the way, landing a comforting hand on Todd’s shoulder as he did so. The support was welcome, but right now Todd didn’t know if it would help.</p><p> </p><p>Neil was still standing there when Todd opened the door. He looked nervous and as beautiful as he ever had. It was weird facing him like this. They had been so intimately close, knowing each other’s every thought, yet now Todd couldn’t read him.</p><p><br/>
“Hi” Todd mumbled, stepping out while closing the door behind themselves.</p><p><br/>
Neil straightened up somewhat and smiled in return. When Neil seemed reluctant to break the silence surrounding them, Todd did so.</p><p><br/>
“How was your date?”</p><p><br/>
“Oh” Neil said awkwardly. “We decided to go see a movie”</p><p><br/>
“Right” Todd said, and the silence engulfed them once more.</p><p><br/>
Neil looked down at his shoes, so Todd took a moment do drink him in. He looked tired, hollowed out in a sense, gaunt. As if his father and his studies in a collaborated effort had finally managed to suck the soul out of him. The thought made Todd queasy.</p><p><br/>
“So you’re here visiting Knox?” Neil asked.</p><p><br/>
Todd nodded. Then tried to have mercy on him and prolong the conversation.</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, he recently broke up with his girlfriend so we decided to come see how he was. Both Emily and Charlie were dying to see him anyway”</p><p><br/>
“Charlie? As in our Charlie?”</p><p><br/>
Who else, Todd thought, would it be? Who else would have gone to Todd’s parents’ house fully intent on breaking Todd out so they could runaway to New York together?</p><p><br/>
“You’re still close? The poets I mean”</p><p><br/>
Todd nodded slowly. “Meeks and Pitts are dating and… and I live with Charlie”</p><p><br/>
Neil’s face fell. Todd didn’t have the energy to correct whatever assumption he’d reached. Anyway he himself had obviously moved on.  </p><p><br/>
“What did you want?”</p><p><br/>
Todd’s voice was shaking, as were their hands.</p><p><br/>
“When are you leaving?” Neil said, testing the waters.</p><p><br/>
“In a couple of hours. We want to reach New York before dusk”</p><p><br/>
“I see” Neil nodded, turning his head away.</p><p><br/>
Todd didn’t have the nerves for this, nor the patience. Not anymore.</p><p><br/>
“If that was all?”</p><p><br/>
“I want to see her” Neil said, stopping Todd short. “She’s my daughter right? I want to get to know her”</p><p><br/>
A hundred lashing, hurtful words gathered on Todd’s tongue but they managed to swallow them down. Instead Todd nodded with great effort. Hadn’t they dreamed of that? Of Neil actually being there to hold his daughter as she woke up in the nights wailing and Todd was too tired to function. How many nights had Todd cried themself to sleep over the thought? But time changes things, heartaches dull down to something you can live with, eventually.</p><p><br/>
“Do you have to leave today?” Neil asked, eyes pleading, desperate.</p><p><br/>
“Both me and Charlie have work early tomorrow”</p><p><br/>
Neil nodded. “I can come to New York?”</p><p><br/>
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea”</p><p><br/>
“Then please, just let me see her now”</p><p><br/>
The passion Todd had always attributed to Neil came seeping back into his being, making him more recognizable. If only as a shadow of his former self. Todd met his eyes, they were deep wells of grief and Todd was all too familiar with the feeling.</p><p><br/>
“You want to come inside?”</p><p><br/>
Neil’s words were clouded with tears. “Thank you”</p><p><br/>
The look on Charlie’s face was priceless when he noticed Neil entering behind Todd. Knox looked less surprised. Emily startled when she saw the doctor.</p><p><br/>
“What are you doing here?” she asked, delighted.</p><p><br/>
Neil was lost for words, so Todd answered her instead. “He’s here to meet you actually”</p><p><br/>
“Why?”</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, why?” added Charlie, only to receive an elbow in the side from Knox.</p><p><br/>
Neil had started to look even paler under the heavy gazes of his former friends.</p><p><br/>
“He just wanted to see how you were doing” Todd battled on. “That you were alright after the fall”</p><p><br/>
“It didn’t even hurt” Emily said, eyes looking heavenwards in a mock impression of an adult, or rather Todd. Neil gasped silently at the action, as if the movement made reality sink in. This really was their child.</p><p><br/>
“That’s g-good” he stuttered. “Swell”</p><p><br/>
“Swell?” mimicked Charlie doubtfully. “Swell, alright. All you have to say?”</p><p><br/>
“Charlie” said Knox, pleadingly and Charlie did quiet down, if somewhat broodingly.</p><p><br/>
Todd lifted a hand to place on Neil’s arm but decided against it. Telling him instead to follow them to the table.</p><p><br/>
“This is Neil, Neil this is Emily”</p><p><br/>
“Hi, Neil” Emily waved as they set down beside her.</p><p><br/>
“Neil is actually an old friend of ours” said Knox, bless him. “We went to school together”</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, Hellton” said Charlie and Neil lifted the corner of his lip for the briefest moment.</p><p><br/>
“Did you use to be a poet to?” Emily asked.</p><p><br/>
Neil looked at Todd, who simply shrugged.</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, yeah I was”</p><p><br/>
“Do you know any poetry than?”</p><p><br/>
Her head was slightly tilted, inquisitive in a way Todd recognized coming from them. Neil must have noted the very same thing for he smiled as he answered.</p><p><br/>
“Only words written by others.”</p><p><br/>
He thought for a moment, then:</p><p>
  <em><br/>
“Hope is the thing with feathers </em>
</p><p>
  <em>That perches in the soul</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and sings the tune without the words,”</em>
</p><p><br/>
“And never stops at all” Emily filled in the last line of the verse. “Emily Dickinson, I’m named after her”</p><p><br/>
Neil looked to Todd, smile growing wider and then his gaze flitted back to Emily.</p><p><br/>
“So your mum reads you poetry?”</p><p><br/>
Emily nodded and Todd blushed slightly.</p><p><br/>
“Emily’s an honorary member of the Dead poet’s society, of course we read poetry to her” Charlie’s voice wore a hint of something Todd had a hard time placing.</p><p><br/>
“Not the kinds we used to read, right?” Neil joked, but Charlie didn’t smile.</p><p><br/>
“Well, how would you know?”</p><p><br/>
“Charlie if you don’t behave…” Knox began but was interrupted by Charlie himself.</p><p><br/>
“It’s fine, I can see my own way out”</p><p><br/>
Charlie stood, and Neil soon followed.</p><p><br/>
“No, please sit down, I’m going” Neil said, his eyes losing all signs of mirth.</p><p><br/>
He looked defeated and maybe that was enough for Charlie to feel somewhat sympathetic. Charlie let his gaze fall full force on Knox, as if forgetting Neil was present at all.</p><p><br/>
“Knox, I was thinking, maybe we should come visit you next weekend as well,”</p><p><br/>
Then in proper Charlie fashion his mouth kept running, heedless of any warnings his brain might be able to conjure up.</p><p><br/>
“After all, it takes a long to time to get over someone you love”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Good, cause you really need to hear this.” Charlie said, lowering his voice. “As soon as the board found out that Todd was pregnant, they were expelled. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson came to pick them up and locked them in their room, fully intent on no one ever knowing about the disgrace of your little misstep."</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were back in New York, the city folding around them like a protective blanket, separating them from a past that was hard to shake. Todd had gone up on the roof as soon as Emily had fallen asleep. The air was chilly as they settled on a bench someone had dragged up ages ago. The stars weren’t visible from here and for the first time Todd missed their parent’s house in Vermont. Todd never wanted to go back there, but the night sky they could view from the garden with all its bright points had made Todd feel part of the universe, insignificant, but belonging.</p>
<p>New York's night sky was polluted by light and all they could see when looking up was a blue-brownish blanket of fumes. </p>
<p>
  <em>Neil</em>
</p>
<p>The thought of Neil had never left them.</p>
<p>How could it when every time Todd looked into their daughter’s eyes all they could see was Neil. She even had his spirit, the same passion Neil had once possessed. Not anymore. The memory of his slumped shoulders as Todd watched him walk away from Knox’s apartment building was haunting. Neil had turned into a ghost. He used to be vibrant, full of color and life. Todd grieved the loss of innocence.</p>
<p>The door behind them opened and Charlie walked out on the roof.</p>
<p>“There you are!”</p>
<p>He dropped down beside Todd, handing over an opened bottle of beer.</p>
<p>“Thought you might need one” he answered Todd’s questioning gaze.</p>
<p>Todd nodded gratefully, took a swig and grimaced. Then brought the bottle to their lips again.</p>
<p>“One hell of a weekend, huh?” Charlie murmured, drinking from his own bottle.</p>
<p>“You could say that”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I promised we’d go up to Boston next week” Charlie said, truly sounding apologetic.</p>
<p>Once Neil had left they had had a passionate argument about it. Voices getting heated enough that Knox had to take Emily out with the pretext of getting ice-cream.</p>
<p>“It’s okay” Todd mumbled.</p>
<p>“Yeah, no, it’s like you said, I shouldn’t have made the decision like that, without talking to you first.”</p>
<p>“And you didn’t need to be so mean to Neil”</p>
<p>“I know” Charlie murmured. “He just made me angry, but I know it isn’t his fault. I just thought he should have contacted you, contacted us once he was in college, you know?”</p>
<p>“He wasn’t sure we wanted anything to do with him”</p>
<p>“Did he really say that?” Charlie asked, looking disturbed. “If I ever see Mr. Perry again I’m gonna strangle him, consequences be damned”</p>
<p>“Knox might be able to scrape together enough money to bail you out” Todd smiled, enjoying the way Charlie’s cheeks turned slightly pink.</p>
<p>“Why him?”</p>
<p>“He’s the only one still in contact with his rich parents”</p>
<p>“Yeah, right” Charlie said. “I don’t think he was doing too bad considering he’d just broken up with someone”</p>
<p>Todd was eternally grateful for the change of subject and laughed along.</p>
<p>“You should have seen the hill of chocolate he still had left. I thought Emily would go into a sugar coma just from seeing it”</p>
<p>“You really spoil her you know” Charlie said, a soft smile playing on his lips. “I mean it’s not a bad thing. She will always know how loved she is”</p>
<p>Yeah, Todd thought, she would never want for anything. Her family might be a little broken up, not the perfect nuclear family that had almost threatened to destroy her parents, but they would always be there for her.</p>
<p>Todd swallowed down the last of their beer. “Raise you back”</p>
<p>“But, but… That’s cheating, come back here!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rest of the week leading up to Friday was a mounting heap of anxiety. It wasn’t made easier by Jeff calling Thursday night pleading Todd to call their parents. Todd stoically refused and when Jeff began throwing cheap insults down the line, Todd hung up. Charlie gave them a curious look from his place at the kitchen table.</p>
<p>“A disappointed journalist who’s article didn’t make the paper?”</p>
<p>“My brother”</p>
<p>“Oh, joy!”</p>
<p>“Mm. You still think this is a good idea? Going back to Boston?”</p>
<p>“What are the options? Hide here until either Neil or his psycho-dad comes to break down the door?”</p>
<p>It was meant as a joke, but Todd didn’t smile.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry” Charlie said after a while. “I know, the nightmares”</p>
<p>“It’s okay” Todd mumbled, sitting down opposite him. Charlie immediately reaching out, taking their hand in his.</p>
<p>“And if you don’t want to go, I’ll go call Knox and say…”</p>
<p>“No, it’s fine” Todd interrupted. “It’ll be fine”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>The trip back up to Boston on Friday afternoon was spent in earie silence. Not even Emily being able to distract from it.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Knox let them into his apartment, he wasn’t alone. Neil was sat at the kitchen island, a cup of coffee steaming in his hands. Emily walked up to him as soon as she had finished greeting Knox, climbing up on the barstool.</p>
<p>“How long has he been here?” Charlie asked in a hushed whisper.</p>
<p>“He came an hour ago” Knox answered, looking a little dumbfounded himself. “He’s real quiet, it’s just weird”</p>
<p>Todd left them in the hallway and tentatively walked over, standing behind Emily who was already deep in conversation with Neil. Some color returned to him when he smiled.</p>
<p>“So there are different kinds of doctors” Emily said, conclusively.</p>
<p>“Yes” Neil answered. “Some doctors you can go to when you’re feeling sick and they give you medicine, others might operate on you if you have problems with your heart for example”</p>
<p>“Like a doctor curing heartbreaks?”</p>
<p>“No, not exactly” Neil said, wincing slightly.</p>
<p>“Shame” said Todd, resting their head upon Emily’s.</p>
<p>Neil flinched like someone had electrocuted him. He’d been so absorbed by Emily that he hadn’t even noticed Todd, but now he did. His full attention was directed to them and it made Todd uncomfortable. Fortunately Emily was there to distract him, before Todd considered crawling out of their own skin.</p>
<p>“So what kind of doctor are you going to be?” Emily asked.</p>
<p>“Anything as long as there isn’t too much blood” answered Neil with a gentle smile.</p>
<p>“Blood is kind of gross” Emily agreed.  </p>
<p>“The grossest” said Charlie, taking it into his own hands to prepare a cup of coffee for himself. “How are you, Neil?”</p>
<p>Neil looked a little uncertain, but once he realized there was nothing biting to Charlie’s comment, he answered: “I’m alright, doing better now, with this royal company”</p>
<p>Emily laughed and Todd tried their hardest to ignore the prickle of longing they suddenly felt. Cheeks already blushing furiously. When Charlie noticed it he winked.</p>
<p>“So medical studies, huh?” said Charlie, Knox already giving him a warning look. “Must be tough”</p>
<p>“It’s alright” Neil said a little defensively. “I mean it could have been worse, like all the physics Meeks and Pitts need to study”</p>
<p>Charlie laughed at that. “Yeah, god, at least they have each other. The nerds.”</p>
<p>“I think they attempted to build a TV once” said Knox out of nowhere, coming up beside Charlie.</p>
<p>“Yeah, what happened?” asked Neil.</p>
<p>“Don’t know”</p>
<p>“Probably didn’t leave the bedroom for long enough to finish it” said Charlie.</p>
<p>“I don’t actually think they do that thing, like at all” Knox said, brow furrowed.</p>
<p>“What sex?”</p>
<p>“Guys!” Todd interrupted, already holding their hands over Emily’s ears. “There’s a child present”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s 5’6 and dressed in my trousers” Charlie bit back and Todd stuck their tongue out in return.</p>
<p>Almost imperceptible, Neil’s eyes flickered down to Todd’s legs and then back up at Charlie. Todd smiled self-deprecatingly. Knox already steering the conversation on to other subjects.</p>
<p>“So I was thinking we could go to that new diner down the road”</p>
<p>Neil nodded. “Yeah, seems nice”</p>
<p>“Anything as long as Knox isn’t the one cooking” Charlie laughed.</p>
<p>“I’m a great chef! Wasn’t like you were complaining about the pancakes last week, huh?”</p>
<p>He won’t complain for as long as he gets to stay in the same room as you, Todd thought. Neil looked up at them and gave Todd a conspiratorial smile. The two of them had been like that since Hellton, nothing had changed in that department.</p>
<p>“Glad to see the bickering hasn’t changed” Neil said, voicing Todd’s thoughts.</p>
<p>“You should have seen them during Christmas” Todd said. “They were driving me up the walls”</p>
<p>Neil laughed, melodic and deep. Smile growing the widest Todd had seen in a while. Emily laughed as well, not really understanding why. Todd was sure to get a heart attack one of these days, sat side by side, smiling like that Emily looked like the perfect copy of Neil. Longing ceased Todd’s chest so violently they had to get away.</p>
<p>“We still have your room, Knox?” asked Todd making their way back to the hallway to get the discarded bags.</p>
<p>“Yeah, absolutely” Knox nodded.</p>
<p>Todd carried the bags over to the bedroom and firmly shut the door. The bed was pristinely made in the way only a former private-school student could make it.</p>
<p>Todd sank down on the white sheets, taking a deep breath. How in all the seven realms of hell where Todd to get through this if they always ended up short of breath and woozy in Neil’s presence? Lightheaded fool who fell in love with a half-god of a man. To distract from further thinking, Todd began unpacking some of the clothes. Laid out a neatly folded collection of Emily’s clothes at the end of the bed. Todd dug to the bottom of the bag and picked up their own nightshirt, formerly part of a school uniform. It was a faded thing living a fragile, brittle existence. But it was the softest thing in existence. Todd had worn it for years now. The thing had done so many tours through the washing machine that the scent of its previous owner had since long disappeared, but Todd still liked to imagine it was there. They pressed their nose into the fabric, soft against the tight, tired skin of their face.</p>
<p>A knock fell on the door and Charlie’s voice traveled through.</p>
<p>“Your daughter is getting hungry, if you don’t come out now we’ll go without you”</p>
<p>“I’m coming” Todd answered, folding up the shirt and placing it gently beneath the pillow.</p>
<p>Charlie was waiting outside the doors, the other’s already spilling out from the apartment. The look on his face was bemused. Todd, only seeing Neil disappearing with Emily, was fully intent on pushing past him, when Charlie’s hand came up to stop them.</p>
<p>“Why does Neil think that you and I are an item?” his voice was inquiring, nothing threatening about it, yet Todd started.</p>
<p>“I- I-“</p>
<p>“You didn’t tell him that, did you?”</p>
<p>Charlie sounded concerned now.</p>
<p>“No, no, of course not” Todd promised. “He most have made his own assumptions”</p>
<p>“And you never bothered correcting it?”</p>
<p>Todd shrugged, and Charlie sighed, slapping their back.</p>
<p>“This is going to be glorious” he said. “When this none-speaking tactic of yours goes up in flames, don’t pull me into the fire”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - - </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The diner was a small, old-fashioned thing and the little group of poets immediately looked out of place as soon as they entered it. The patrons consisted mostly of professors and older students. It gave off the energy of the kind of place wherein Todd’s mother would have bent down and asked Todd to make as little noise as possible.</p>
<p>Todd itched to bend down and whisper in Emily’s ear to wreak havoc.</p>
<p>“Quaint” Charlie said, looking around. “A little house-wifely, don’t you think Knox?”</p>
<p>“How should I know?”</p>
<p>“It feels nice” said Neil, quickly diffusing any tension before it managed to build.</p>
<p>Todd was almost sad to see it go.</p>
<p>They took a boot by the window. Emily delving into the window seat and then quickly proclaimed that Neil should sit beside her, in what could only be described as pure Neil-ism. From there the meal became weird. Conversations were forced and once the waitress came around they developed a prolonged staring game. </p>
<p>The waitress, a pretty girl of perhaps twenty, seemed immediately infatuated with Neil and his smile. When she took their orders and came back to deliver them, she only had eyes for Neil. But Neil was busy sneaking glances at Todd as if he couldn’t watch his fill. Todd, uncomfortable under the attention, stared pleadingly at Charlie, who, very much amused, observed Knox. And Knox, well he looked suspiciously at the waitress. The only one who properly paid attention to their meal, having eyes only for the fries, was Emily, happily munching away. Too occupied to diffuse the tension.</p>
<p>“Anyone for ice-cream?” Charlie wondered aloud when their plates were empty. Emily quickly perking up at the prospect of dessert. Todd had given up long ago, there was nothing they could deny her. Only Neil looked doubtful.</p>
<p>“Is that a good idea?” Neil asked, briefly glancing at Emily.</p>
<p>The motion however slight caught Todd on fire with barely suppressed anger.</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>It was the medical student in him that answered, Mr. Perry’s son.</p>
<p>“Sugar is bad for growing children”</p>
<p>“So are absent fathers”</p>
<p>The words came spilling out like burning lava before Todd could stop them. The silence following threatened to drown them all whole. Emily looked confused as the tension spread, strangling even her. Todd regretted the words as soon as they said them. The look in Neil’s eyes made the regret even worse. It wasn’t the hurt that would haunt Todd, but the complete lack of emotions, the way Neil Perry shut down.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry” Todd blurted out.</p>
<p>Neil simply nodded folding the napkin up and placing it on his plate. As he made a motion for his wallet Charlie laughed, strained but still a laugh. They were all drama-queens, really.</p>
<p>“Haven’t we all had absent fathers? I think we turned out fine for the most part” he said.</p>
<p>This subject Emily caught on to long enough to contribute her own perspective on the matter.</p>
<p>“I don’t have a dad, but I have an Uncle Charlie”</p>
<p>Todd loved their daughter, loved how open-minded she was, proud of the way she always spoke her mind, after all she had been raised in true Keating-fashion. But right now, Todd kind of wished she hadn’t butted in.</p>
<p>Neil looked straight at Todd when he answered. “Who needs a dad when they have a Charlie?”</p>
<p>He rose out of his seat, throwing a couple of folded dollars on the table and then he was gone. Charlie rose to go after him. Todd placed a hand on his arm.</p>
<p>“Please, sit down, don’t make it worse than it is”</p>
<p>“I backed down once, and see how that turned out? Let me go!”</p>
<p>Charlie went after him. Knox curled his arm around Todd, who tried to hide the brimming tears against his shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - - </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Neil moved slowly for one so angry, Charlie had no trouble catching up with him.</p>
<p>“Here to rub it in my face?”</p>
<p>It wasn’t Neil’s voice, not really. This one was hard and unforgiving, an ill-fitting imitation. In this moment Neil reminded Charlie so much of Mr. Perry that he wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time.</p>
<p>“Neil, stop!”</p>
<p>And he did. He stopped so suddenly that Charlie almost crashed into his back, only avoiding it by one last ditched effort. Neil turned to him, fury glowing in his eyes, but beneath it was oceans of sadness. Of lost years, days missed out, that he would never get back. He looked small, had shrunk into a younger version of himself, just as he were when dragged away from the theater he loved so much by his unreasonable father. If only Charlie had gone after him, if only he had argued with Mr. Keating, told him that they couldn’t leave Neil behind. If only, than maybe… It was useless to think like that. They were both here now, it didn’t matter what Charlie hadn’t been able to do then, only what he could do now.</p>
<p>“Neil, you’re… you used to be my best friend, and I will always love you for it, but please don’t say shit like that”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t?! What about Todd?!”</p>
<p>“Yes, it was a shitty thing to say, but they weren’t wrong, okay” Charlie fumed. “You’ve had what, almost five years since that fucking military school to look us up. You’ve been going to the same university as Knox, Meeks and Pitts for years now, yet you’ve never bothered...!”</p>
<p>“I wrote!” Neil shouted. “I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I finished military school, came home only to find all the letters in a box in the attic.”</p>
<p>He looked distraught, hands already pulling at his hair and Charlie suddenly saw him from an adult’s point of view. Saw the dramatics for what they were and tried for something more mature.</p>
<p>“You can’t always hide behind your father, you know that right?”</p>
<p>“He forced me to medical school and…”</p>
<p>Charlie’s voice was a deadly calm when he interrupted.</p>
<p>“You never wondered what happened to Todd, huh?”</p>
<p>“I-I- Of course I did, I do”</p>
<p>“Good, cause you really need to hear this.” Charlie said, lowering his voice. “As soon as the board found out that Todd was pregnant, they were expelled.</p>
<p>Mr. and Mrs. Anderson came to pick them up and locked them in their room, fully intent on no one ever knowing about the disgrace of your little misstep. It was pure, fucking luck that Jeff was home when the labor began to call a midwife.”</p>
<p>Charlie was too angry for tears, not angry at Neil, not really, just angry at the world and all the injustice in it. All the pain that the lot of them had had to endure. Neil’s cheeks were wet, tears flowing freely now.</p>
<p>“So yeah, at least Emily has a Charlie. I’m a sorry excuse of a father figure, I’ll be the first to admit that, but at least I was there.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know”</p>
<p>“No, you didn’t” Charlie said and his voice was softer now, more sympathetic.</p>
<p>He enveloped Neil in his arm and Neil held on for dear life, crying all the years of loss into Charlie’s shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Knox paid the bill, not even bothering to be polite with the waitress, who in any case seemed disappointed to find Neil had gone. Once Emily realized Todd was crying she started to. They were a sad looking bunch once Charlie returned to them. All four of them red-eyed and sniveling. Todd could feel the tear-induced headache coming on, swallowing an aspirin before curling up on Knox’s couch with Emily curled against their chest. The radio was on, blaring jazz-music while Knox and Charlie carried a whispered conversation in the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Why are you sad mama?” Emily asked</p>
<p>She deserved to know. If Todd had managed to fuck it all up, at least she should have the knowledge of her father if not the actual person. So Todd told her the story of the quiet girl who fell in love with an enigmatic boy who glowed as if divine light shone right through him. Todd told her of English lessons that resembled nothing else, of the Dead Poet’s Society. Of late nights running through the woods and a cave in which words flowed like honey. Where dreams were made reality.</p>
<p>“You used to be that girl, right?” Emily asked once Todd had finished the story and Todd nodded. “Why no more?”</p>
<p>Her small hand rested upon Todd’s bound chest.</p>
<p>“I guess I was never good at it” Todd said quietly, didn’t know how to explain the wrongness of their own skin. Emily accepted it ruefully, instead asking about the boy.</p>
<p>“The boy, who was he?”</p>
<p>“Neil” Todd said. “He’s your dad”</p>
<p>Emily looked thoughtful, brow furrowed. She was less emotional, less shocked or angry or whatever Todd thought she would have been. She had the answer to her endless questions now and it seemed to perplex her more than anything.</p>
<p>“Will he come back?” she asked eventually.</p>
<p>And Todd felt the sting of pain returning that had haunted them in the beginning of parenthood. Late nights wondering the very same thing, will Neil come back? Back then they had felt powerless, but know Todd knew that they had the power to actually do something. Neil was real now and Todd felt trust, not only in him, but also in their own ability to change things.</p>
<p>“I know he will”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Early Saturday morning, Todd crept soundlessly out of bed. Emily was still fast asleep, limbs reaching out in all directions (a foot had almost punctuated Todd’s bladder during the night). Todd let her sleep, only moving the blanket more firmly over her before putting on some pants and a thick sweater. Todd then proceeded to sneak out in the living room which was faintly lit by early morning light. On the sofa Knox lay sprawled out as if someone had knocked him out there and he hadn’t moved an inch. On the floor, piled up on a heap of pillows and comforters laid Charlie, mouth agape, snoring. He had volunteered to sleep on the hard floor with the excuse that a bohemian didn’t need comfort to live happily, but Todd had a sneaking suspicion it had more to do with Knox complaining about a backache. As Todd made their way quietly to the hallway, Knox stirred. Todd stilled, almost having reached their goal and not intent on turning back now. Knox’s hand fell over the edge of the sofa, only to land in Charlie’s face. Todd breathed a sigh of relief when suddenly Knox, wide-eyed, stared back up at them. His hand, which had carefully brushed down Charlie’s cheek, stilled. He looked panicked for a brief second. Todd put a finger to their mouth. <em>I’ll keep yours, if you keep mine. </em>Knox retracted his hand, curling it gently beside himself, and in an obvious act of pretense, closed his eyes.</p>
<p>Todd slipped out the door, rushed down the stairs and out in the chilly air. Before everything had went to hell the day prior Neil had told them where he lived. Unsurprisingly it was a dorm room on Campus where both his parents and the board had easy access to him and could observe his every move. Having had the fortune of Meeks having led them on a private tour through the University, Todd was decently sure they would manage to find their way. Soon enough they came upon a building that reminded Todd just a little too much of Welton. There seemed to be no possible way to get inside without having a key so Todd waited until another early riser pushed through the doors, arms full of books. In an act of politeness Todd held the door open and then slipped in behind the poor student’s back. Locating Neil’s room number was easier said than done, but eventually they were stood in front of a dark wooden door. World on their shoulder and no golden words of explanation forthcoming, Todd knocked.</p>
<p>The wait was excruciating. Incapable of quelling the anxiety Todd knocked again. It felt like hours before someone moved on the other side and the door was finally opened. Neil peered out bleary-eyed, his hair disheveled and chest bare. Todd concentrated very hard on a spot between his eyes as the words came tumbling.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about everything I said yesterday. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said it at all but especially not in front of Emily, and I know this isn’t about my feelings. I can be however butt-hurt I want but it doesn’t matter… cause what’s important is that she gets to know her dad”</p>
<p>Todd was breathless when the words finally ceased coming and Neil only stared at them.</p>
<p>“Please, say something” Todd pleaded.</p>
<p>Neil pushed his head out and glanced down both ends of the corridor before waving Todd inside. They were stood awkwardly behind the closed door, Todd desperately looking anywhere else than Neil’s naked skin.</p>
<p>“Butt-hurt?” Neil said all of a sudden, and when Todd’s gaze found his face, he wore a big grin. “Really?”</p>
<p>“Shut up” Todd said, lightly hitting him in the chest.</p>
<p>For a while they smiled stupidly at each other, like no time had passed and they were still seventeen, drunk on love and high on youthful carelessness. Neil sobered first, glancing to the side.</p>
<p>“I also wanted to apologize for storming out, and for what I said” He took a deep breath, before looking back up at Todd, brown eyes meeting blue. “Charlie told me what happened to you after I was removed, and fuck, I’m so sorry. I- This isn’t about me either”</p>
<p>Todd nodded, then smiled slightly. “Friends?”</p>
<p>“Friends” Neil laughed.</p>
<p>They looked at each other for a while. Todd desperately didn’t want to leave.</p>
<p>“I was thinking we could go for a picnic, today? Lunch?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I can do that”</p>
<p>“Good” Todd said. “Good, I’ll try to get rid of our chaperons”</p>
<p>“Chaperons?” Neil said confused. “You mean Charlie and Knox?”</p>
<p>His smile dimmed and he looked pensive. “I don’t mind seeing them, actually I’ve… missed them”</p>
<p>“They’ve missed you too, god knows Charlie has” Todd said, awkward laughter bouncing between them. Neil looked pensive.</p>
<p>“And you? Have you?”</p>
<p>“Always” Todd said quietly.</p>
<p>Then before the thought was properly formed they swept in to hug Neil. He stilled suddenly, until long arms wrapped around Todd in return, bringing them ever closer.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you too” Neil said against Todd’s hair, rustling the strands, sending shivers down Todd’s spine. Todd desperately wanted to stay like this, but knew it wasn’t fair to either of them.</p>
<p>Todd quickly detangled themselves. “I need to go back”</p>
<p>Neil smiled tentatively. “See you for lunch then?”</p>
<p>“Yeah” Todd said, slipping out of the room.</p>
<p>Down at the entrance Todd ran into the blonde girl they’d seen with Neil. She smiled politely, stepped out of the way and let Todd continue past.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I reread this and realized it wasn't as bad as I remembered? Also I had a third chapter written out so I thought why not publish it?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So we’re not allowed to come?” Knox asked doubtfully. “Charlie and me?”</p><p>Todd blushed, feeling rather sheepish as they answered. “Yes, but I thought it would be good for…”</p><p>They nodded to the closed bedroom door where Emily still slept. Knox followed Todd’s line of sight, nodding slowly to himself, before a weak smile began spreading.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I get it”</p><p>“I thought…” began Todd slowly, watching Charlie moving sluggishly in the kitchen behind Knox’s shoulder. “You and Charlie could do something together, alone”</p><p>Knox blushed slightly, bending their head forward, while Charlie, behind his back, gave Todd a quizzical look. Coffee cup brought to his lips.</p><p>“I mean, Charlie’s been playing house for a little too long now, he’s climbing the walls” Todd laughed when Charlie glowered. “Thought you could distract him, Knox. Go out, have some fun, show him round town, a play-date…"</p><p>Charlie spat out his coffee making complicated gestures with his arms. His right hand making a cutting motion against his throat. Todd stopped speaking, too busy laughing. Knox turned sharply looking back at Charlie, who lifted one arm above his head in a deliberate move that looked almost natural.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“I’m just trying out some stretching exercises. I read somewhere they’re good for kinks in the neck.”</p><p>“Charlie, you should have said!” Knox sighed loudly. “If you have neck problems you shouldn’t sleep on the floor, we could have switched”</p><p>“No, no, it’s fine” Charlie was quick to reassure. “It’s just all the work I do bent over”</p><p>Todd could see the pink color crawling up Knox’s neck. Charlie, never one to be careful with his own words, was as usual the only one in the room completely unbothered with what he’d just said. Knox coughed slowly. Todd watched in fascination.</p><p>“Might want to rephrase that” Knox said, joke falling flat on his tongue.</p><p>Charlie stood gaping like a fish for a short second, then a devilish grin took over his features.</p><p>“It’s not my fault you have a dirty mind, Knoxious”</p><p>Knox looked deliciously scandalized. “I don’t have a dirty mind! I haven’t! It’s not like I visualized any work…”</p><p>“I could do bent over?” Charlie laughed. “You sure about that? Cause I can give you some hints”</p><p>The small strip of skin visible at Knox’s neck glowed scarlet, the rest of his face hidden behind his arms, forehead pressed against the table. Todd reached over to pat his hair comfortingly while Charlie grinned victoriously somewhere in the background.</p><p>“Is uncle Knox sick?” a small voice asked from the opened bedroom door.</p><p>“Oh, yeah” laughed Charlie. “With embarrassment!”</p><p>“He’s blushing!” squealed Emily once she noticed the redness of Knox’s face.</p><p>Todd laughed as she bolted forward to the kitchen table, brushing the hair out of her eyes as she watched Knox with the same seriousness as a scientist observing a specimen. Knox lifted his head, grimace turning soft at the sight of her. Then Emily took one out of Charlie’s book.</p><p>“Are you in love?” she asked, seemingly out of nowhere. “A girl in my class turns red as a tomato every time she talks to the boy she likes”</p><p>Knox gawked, while Charlie, still standing at the kitchen island, laughed so hard he choked on his coffee. Todd, parental instincts kicking in, went over to pat him on the back.</p><p>“Can you breathe?” they asked.</p><p>“Yeah” Charlie wheezed. “Just… your daughter is a hell-raiser” </p><p>Todd smiled proudly. “I know”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>Todd had kidnapped Knox to help them buy something for the picnic. In the end they settled on sandwiches and soda, also throwing in a basket since Knox didn’t have one they could borrow.  The nervous energy was probably radiating from Todd but Knox had the good grace to not mention a single word of Neil, instead going on a tirade about the impossibilities of Charlie. It was a pleasant distraction.</p><p>“I mean does he always have to be so…” Knox gestured vaguely in the air.</p><p>“Charlie?” Todd suggested, unable to help the smile that slipped over their lips.</p><p>“Yeah, exactly” Knox sighed.</p><p>“He pulls your pigtail”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I said…”</p><p>“No, I heard you. I just don’t know what you’re insinuating” Knox’s tone was warning.</p><p>Todd did their best to quell the curious feeling spreading in their chest as they asked whether Knox <em>liked </em>Charlie.</p><p>“Of course I like him, most days at least” Knox said. “Why do you ask?”</p><p>“Because…” Todd began but then faltered at the cluelessness on Knox’s face. “Doesn’t matter. You have any blanket we can borrow?”</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>To say Todd was nervous was an understatement. Todd and Emily stood at the entrance of the park, waiting for Neil to appear. He was late and Todd was growing concerned. The nerves seemed to be contagious for after a while Emily started to pace in circles around Todd.</p><p>“What if he doesn’t come?” she asked, big eyes sad and brow furrowed in concern.</p><p>Todd kneeled down, soft fingers stroking away the creases on their little girl’s face. Holding her chin up with a gentle hand. Todd looked into her eyes.</p><p>“What if he…?” Emily began but cut herself short.</p><p>“What if he what?” Todd asked.</p><p>“What if he doesn’t want me?”</p><p>Todd breathed in sharply. What were they to say? The very same concern had rushed around Todd’s head for the past years. Emily’s lip had started to wobble slightly, probably catching on to Todd’s doubt. Why did they need to be so bad at covering up their emotions?</p><p>“He’ll come” Todd said firmly. “And if he doesn’t, he… then that’s on him.”</p><p>“What’s on him?”</p><p>Todd whirled around, almost falling over themselves in a way that would have been utterly embarrassing. Neil’s smile was wide as he reached out a hand to steady Todd. Todd was left staring into Neil’s deep eyes almost in trance. Neil didn’t immediately let go of Todd’s arm, hand slipping down to briefly grasp Todd’s, squeezing slightly.  </p><p>Emily, suddenly shy in a way she never usually was, took shelter behind Todd. Todd let a reassuring hand fall on her back.</p><p>“I’m sorry I’m late” Neil said, looking apologetic enough. He held a hand behind his back and as he bent down to greet Emily he pulled it forth. The teddy bear was a deep brown color with buttons for eyes and had a soft, furry tummy. “This is for you”</p><p>Emily gingerly plucked the bear from Neil’s grasp. She studied it for a moment and Todd was worried for a short moment that she would reject the gift. Neil seemed to be too. They both sighed in relief when she tucked the bear to her chest. Some of the tension seemed to melt away at the action.</p><p>“What do we say?” Todd prompted, and Emily gave a small <em>thank you </em>from somewhere behind the bear’s ear.  </p><p>Neil laughed. He then proceeded to help Todd carry the basket all the while trying to pull words from Emily. Eventually she got over her sudden shyness and held up a vivid conversation about what name she was gonna give the bear.</p><p>Neil leaned over to Todd. “If it takes her half as long to pick a name for it as it took for me to pick the bear out, we’ll be here an eternity”</p><p>“Sounds good to me” Todd gave a small smile.</p><p>“Yeah?” Neil asked, eyebrow raised and something akin to hope in his eyes. But Todd was probably fooling themselves. </p><p>“Here!” cried Emily, who had run ahead and was now stood pointing at the ground.</p><p>“What, darling?” Todd called.</p><p>“I picked a spot for our picnic!”</p><p>“That’s great, Emily!” Neil said, broad smile playing out over his lips.  </p><p>Together they laid out the blanket and sat down. Emily and the basket was sat in the middle, between Todd and Neil. It was amiable, not as strained as Todd had feared it would be. The conversation revolved solely around Emily, and she enjoyed the spotlight immensely.</p><p>Neil asked her about school and what her hobbies were. What she liked and didn’t like and Emily put some thought into most of the questions. Except one: what she wanted to become when she grew up.</p><p>“A doctor!” she said, nodding slightly as if particularly satisfied with her own answer.</p><p>Todd observed as Neil’s face fell. To his credit he made a decent effort of masking it up, but he wasn’t fast enough, Todd managed to see the devastation on his face. As far as Todd was concerned they had promised themselves that they would never interfere with Emily’s right to choose for herself. Anyway she changed her mind every other day on what she wanted to do. A few weeks ago she had wanted to become an engineer like Stevie.</p><p>“That’s…” Neil began but then grew quiet.</p><p>Emily’s smile became dimmer, and Todd jumped in before the atmosphere grew tenser.</p><p>“If that’s what you want to do, we’ll support you” Todd smiled, stroking a gentle hand over Emily’s hair. The little girl gave one of her sunshine smiles.</p><p>“Yeah, absolutely” Neil hurried to say. “Even if you want to go to the moon.”</p><p>“Why would I want to go to the moon?” Emily asked, her brow furrowed in a way that looked so comical that Todd couldn’t help but laugh.</p><p>“Maybe you want to be the first moon-doctor” Neil suggested, shrugging slightly.</p><p>“What does a moon-doctor do?”</p><p>“Maybe they give penicillin to moon-aliens and bandages someone who’s broken three of their five legs” Neil said, lifting one corner of his lips, eyes sparkling with mischief.</p><p>“No one has five legs!” Emily said laughing.</p><p>“Aliens might”</p><p>Emily’s smile was perfectly mirrored in Neil’s. She was the spitting image of him in this one moment. Todd felt a knot form in their chest. It was a complicated mix of longing and loss. Tears formed in their eyes which they rapidly blinked away before either Neil or Emily noticed.</p><p>“I know what I want to name my bear” Emily declared suddenly.</p><p>Neil chuckled. “Yeah? What’s that?”</p><p>“Moon-doctor”</p><p>“That’s great, love” Todd said, feeling their smile turn soft as they looked over to Neil and saw the pure adoration in his eyes. Why had they been so afraid of this? Of course Neil would fall as deeply in love with her as Todd had. It was inevitable. The knot in their chest grew tighter, both with love and flashes of guilt. Maybe they should have tried to reach out sooner? Probably.</p><p>“Moon-doctor does have a nice ring to it” Neil said.</p><p>“I think so too” Emily nodded, and tucked the teddy bear closer to her chest.</p><p>“That’s good. Now eat up your sandwich” Todd urged.</p><p>Emily muttered something Todd didn’t quite hear, but it made Neil laugh.</p><p> </p><p>_ _ _</p><p> </p><p>They went for ice-cream afterwards. Neil paid for it, and Todd hung back as he and Emily discussed which flavor was superior. It was amusing to see them like that. Neil seemed younger, livelier, more like he had when Todd had first met him. Emily was gesturing widely and almost dropped her ice-cream.</p><p>“Hey, steady” Todd said reaching out on instinct to still her hand. “You’ll drop it”</p><p>“It’s fine. We’ll buy you a new one” Neil reassured.</p><p>“Will we?” Todd asked, raising their eyebrows.</p><p>“Only if you…” Neil began, hesitating slightly.</p><p>It made Todd smile reassuringly.  “It’s fine Neil”</p><p>Neil nodded.</p><p>They made their way back to Knox’ apartment. Emily was talking a mile a minute but Todd had a hard time focusing on her words. Neil was too silent and he walked too close. As radiant as ever but his mind suddenly distant again. The feeling was eerie and Todd was growing anxious. It was impossible to forget what had (or perhaps hadn’t) transpired between them. Todd wondered when it would feel normal. When they could just be, exist in each other’s presence without the need of clearing up all the unsaid things between them.</p><p>Neil stopped suddenly before they reached the door to Knox’ apartment building. Todd did too, confused. Emily began onwards, Todd had to call her back to say goodbye.</p><p>“You’re leaving?” Emily asked, brow furrowing in confusion.</p><p>“Yeah, I have to get back” Neil answered.</p><p>“That’s okay” she said, in that merciful but resigned way that only children seemed capable of.</p><p>“But I’ll come by tomorrow before you go back to New York” Neil said, taking an aborted step forward.</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“I promise”</p><p>Emily nodded, then tentatively reached her arms out in a hugging motion and Neil immediately sank down to his knees. The hug looked awkward but Todd knew it was heartfelt.</p><p>“Goodbye” Emily said, and like children often have a tendency to do, she swiftly moved on, making her way inside the apartment. Todd knew they needed to talk to her later, but for now they watched her go.</p><p>“She’s amazing, isn’t she?” Neil said with wonder, looking at the spot she vacated.</p><p>“Of course she is, she’s ours” Todd said, and received a soft smile.</p><p>“I’ve missed out on so much”</p><p>Neil’s eyes filled with a sudden, but understandable sadness. And Todd’s guilt threatened to consume them both.</p><p>“I’m sorry”</p><p>“It’s not your fault. I just… I really want to be in her life, but I know nothing about being a father” Neil shook his head.</p><p>Todd hesitated but then: “If it’s any consolation, she knows nothing about having a father.”</p><p>“Well, I know what fathers are not supposed to be like” Neil murmured, a darkness falling on his features and Todd wanted to reach out and brush away the past. Make it go away forever until they only had the present and the future, left to explore. They didn’t reach out. Todd curled their hands behind their back and said, tersely:</p><p>“That’s good enough”</p><p>“Maybe.” Neil said, then his eyes searched Todd’s face. “I- I had a really nice time”</p><p>“So did we” Todd answered. “It’s nice… to have you back”</p><p>Neil’s featured softened once more, a smile tugged at his lips. “It’s nice to be back”</p><p>They laughed together and Todd felt certain that everything would be fine, even if the road there might be long and winding.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This might not be continued, but I wanted to publish what I had at least.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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